Homesick.

I woke up sick. Physically. Stomach flu or something gross like that. And I usually never get sick. Being sick has always made me feel nostalgia. Nostalgic. And nostalgia has now turned into a deep longing for home. I miss home. I want to go home. But I haven't a clue where this may be anymore. And then I am saddened.

I do not have another home. Where is this place I miss? Because I can't picture it physically. So I picture theDinglehopper's bed, with him, telling me it will be ok and I tell him it will be ok and him making me laugh as we share the ridiculousness that is us. Being in his car and turning to look at him as we curse and cruise and Santa Barbara glows in the pink hue that showers our view. My Ma's living room, with her, while Josue and I make inappropriate jokes to make her laugh and Earl smiles too. Or my Ma running her fingers through my hair. Guy Ky, but just him, because the place we used to call ours makes me sad and his new place does not include me, so just him. I miss thinking about how lucky I was when once upon a time I was in love with him and he was in love with me and damn weren't we lucky, just so damn lucky, and it is all right there in that gaze that we share. Being with my dad as we get ready to visit our family and he talks to me about his doings and I want to hear and comment and show that I care and  that in itself seals that it is fact that we do love one another and the past passed. Laughing with My Thanh on the phone and planning our next drive to see one another. Then laughing uncontrollably when we are together because we are drinking and talking and writing each other's names with hearts in the mist on the glass that represents and is the moment that we are in.

I miss them. I want them to be near. But they are not. I am not. And so I just am left with this feeling that makes me an absurd melodramatic girl. And right now, I want to run back but I wouldn't have a particular location to go to. And sirens of sadness run through me. And I miss and I long.

So here I am, missing people and moments and times. And then feeling sad that home is not over there anymore. But right here and I am lonely and sick.